God, where do I even begin. And honestly, I meant that in a conversational-way with God Himself. He's given me a lot to ponder on from this year's...uhh... encounters. Let's be conventional and start from the beginning.
In the first few months of this year, I tried out for an "It group" for one of the country's leading female magazines. Funny enough, I can't even remember what they're called. Anyway, short story is, I didn't bag a spot. My second attempt at jazzing up my 2018 was through a musical audition. Packed with a heart for Sara Bareilles and literally zero vocal training, I came into the Waitress open call auds full of anxiety and wishful thinking. Obviously, I didn't even make it to round one. At this point, I was pretty heartbroken. I really thought I'd get into the magazine online group thing, I mean I was asked to come by their office for an official audition! Waitress seemed like my only real and possible shot at theater because it didn't ask much range-wise (or so I thought). But I guess, with my third and also spontaneous shot at upping my career and well, life, was what really hit me with a bus. Just days after announcement, I got a message from a mentor at work. I don't want to talk much about it (unless I plan on filling an entire page for the first round of auditions). At the end, I got the job out of the hundreds who tried their luck.
But as amazing as this sounds, during and shortly after my nailing it, I went through a series of sanity-testing situations. It was a romantic heartbreak, a denial of loss (quite literally), and the metaphorical version of it. On top of the list of things and people I've lost: me.
It's hard to cry your heart on your day, surrounded by trees and rain. It's hard to sleep at night alone, with all the light a new lamp could ever bleam on its first time open. It's hard to break the spell of 4-5 hours of and wake up feeling like you never even slept at all. 6 was a blessing.
I honestly don't know what did the trick. I don't know the exact mixture I concocted to fix everything (me) up. By the time school started, I was doing OK... after a long period of not. Then I exhausted myself to the brim, stretching and thinning myself with every single kind of work there was-- exercise, 2 jobs, school, and relationships with others. I literally got rushed to the ER thanks to over-exhaustion (in more ways than physical). And the great thing about it, is that no one will ever understand that.
It took a message to me today for me to realize it for real-- it's tiring to always shine and glitter. It's tiring to not have that space to think, to explain, to build yourself up. Because the world really, no sh*t, won't stop for you. No one else will. When people say they "get it", they "get you", they're "going through the same thing"-- they're not. They're lying, they're exaggerating, they're worse, they're hating your ass right now, they're talking about you behind your back, they're there when you're okay, they're pretending to mourn with you.
They're not you.
The world is a sick bastard, unfair always. And look, you're part of it.
Okay damn, I thought this was going to turn out a bit more positive. But okay here's my ending: 2018, you were truly a test of my everything. You made me see the brightest and darkest places simultaneously in a moment where I'm confused as to what to feel. As much as 2017 felt like a year of realization and picking myself up, I don't think I really fell to the ground, hit my head, and lost everything... not like what this year was like for me.
So for all of that, I guess, thank you? As much as bad things are easy to hate, they always teach me a thing or two I know I wouldn't have picked up had I not went through all that BS. I could never really say "I wish that never happened to me" despite its after-effects and tragedies.
Thank you for being a pain in the ass, but also, for every bit of kindness you've given to me.
Thank you for the wonderful surprises, and that military attack.
Next year is gleaming with both. And I'm actually excited.
Surprise me.
Waving both hello and good-bye,
Aya
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