 |
| photo from: tumblr |
Dear you girls, teens, young women, older women, etc.:
First of all, I can't believe I used "dear" as an introduction to this letter, but we'll get to the details of that later. Second, I won't be including a string of swears to try and explain my side here, even if in reality I probably (totally) will. This is just a way to piss you guys off because, look how nice I'm being! Lastly, I won't try to make this letter some kind of preacher's typewritten note and that I'll try my hardest to make this sound the least of a rant letter. No name-dropping will happen to keep things on a down-low, but I have kept them true for only me and the exact person involved to identify.
To be honest, almost all of your comments are still stuck to me up to this day. I still have them saved in my memory bank. I still think about them during those dark, sentimental nights. I still replay each scenario over and over again in my head, but I also want you all to know that those comments have me made think about the real meaning behind each and every one of them. So let's begin:
"Yeah, but you're fat.": You're obviously trying to tell me to lose weight and make myself look (more) physically and sexually attractive. I get it, I'm overweight. Thing is, you could have said this in a much nicer way like, "Yeah; but you'd look better if you're thinner though." or something similar. Okay, okay, maybe you said this in a joking manner like, "HAHAHA ! ! !1 ! Yeah, but you're fat." But maybe you could have made in a sandwich type? Positive comment + Negative comment + Positive comment? Or even just one positive thing to balance it out? Or maybe you guys just thought commenting someone "you're fat" wasn't too much of a big deal, just an insignificant side comment... ??? Well, looking back, I think I REALLY get it now. It doesn't matter if you were insensitive, sensitive (but thought it wouldn't affect you, if YOU were the one being called fat), defeating its purpose through a joke, jealous-- YOUR DEFENSE IS WEAK. I myself have called someone fat when I was younger and thought it was a "psh" "just brush it off" JOKE, but the girl I called fat was so affected that sometimes I think the reason she moved out of our school was because of the piles and piles of "jokes" she would get every day from different people, those of which including me. Everyone is going through something challenging and rough, no one's life is perfect; and just because yours if better (or worse), putting people down to make yourself feel more superior isn't the right solution. The main thing I can tell you all right now I guess is, understanding. I am continuously trying to understand all the possible reasons you have told me this comment. I have also been continuously thinking to myself that you didn't mean the negative impact your comment had on me. I hope that you never come across doing it again, especially without apologizing or saying it in a "constructive criticism" way. I have become the bully and its victim in different ways and different days and hell, I don't plan to be one of them any time soon. And as I said, I hope all of you do the same.
"Ayoko nga, ang pangit mo eh!": You told me this I'm-trying-to-be-as-accurate-as-I-can line (with such disgust in both your tone and facial expression, if I may add) when I was six years old, when we were both in preparatory. It was my first time to be in a big school, coming from a small kindergarten house-turned-school with only around 12 other kids to call as my "classmates". This was especially tough, because I think this was the first time anyone told me I was ugly and that's never a pretty experience for anyone, really. For the longest time I would tell myself that you only told me I was ugly because you were jealous and had really bad eyebrows (although to be fair, I had and sadly kind of still do have terrible, bush eyebrows too). But now that I think about it, maybe you had other reasons to tell me this. Maybe you had a discouraging family that would always tell you you were ugly. Maybe... you genuinely wanted to be friends with me as well but just couldn't say it out right. Or maybe... It doesn't matter, we were kids and things have changed since then. Right now I want to tell you that I'm happy that you've grown up to be a better person, and that you and your chinky-eyed guy friend (or boyfriend, ha) look super cute together and I honestly, really do, wish you all the best.
"Oh talaga? Patingin nga ng grades." [you're dumb] : We actually get along. We laugh and share jokes often, but sometimes you go way off. I get what you're trying to say, your grades are far better than mine. I get it, I have been living with a chronic negative attitude towards our educational system and my past mistakes; but thing is, you don't get it and I don't get what's going on your head either. For what its worth, I speak very highly of you to my family and friends and describe you as someone I think who can achieve academic goals very quickly and in such a manner anyone would think as easy. Your comment is probably at the top of the list of things I consider as "you're going to have to remember this for the rest of your life, Andrea, because she is kind of right." and I don't really know how to feel about what you told me. I'm still thinking it through and telling myself that I can never be based off or defined after someone's opinion of me but anyway, I hope you grow to become a really kickass human being who does her best in everything, 100% of the time, like always.
"Oh ta'mo? Di mo naman alam eh": I think it's extra points when the proverb "blood is thicker than water" comes into play and it totally fails to prove its meaning. I thought we were over it, but I guess you still wanted to play your little game. Thank you for the disrespect, humiliation, and total abandonment of the thing called "maturity". I didn't know arguing over a tv series was the "conversation" to go, but I guess that's what you're into... This stroll along amnesia lane has been quite a stroll, and now that I'm about to erase it all out of my head, I want to thank you for contradicting this very memory and every bad thing you've ever said to me by listening to my pathetic love story in bits during weekends, and for being my saving grace when I had to get things out of my system late last year. I love you dearly.
"Humility is different from disrespect." "You are so rude.": I hate, hate, hate! this experience the most as it was the epitome of infantile thinking and pleasure ? in public embarrassment. What I hate even more is that if I enclose any more details of this happening here, it would give too much of it off and other people would know you; and as much as I disagree with almost anything you ever say, (I'm sorry) I want to protect your name and keep you completely anonymous. I want to, with utmost humility, understand you, and see beyond my point of view about the situation; (but then my mind would get really violent and I really hate it when that happens) so I'm just going to stop thinking of it all now, and let you know that you got me thinking with this. I saw my seed of pride over my mistake, and acknowledged it. But I do hope you reflected on yourself too, and realized that misunderstandings like this are never one-sided, you did your faulty part too. I also hope you'll learn to apply the values yourself, and not just tell people of them and expect those people to be completely fine with you just talking the talk and not walking the walk.
That's it for now ladies (and hopefully ever) I hope you all know that for every experience or memory, I learned from each one and I "looked at myself in the mirror" and tried my best to understand. I'll be burying these 123123123 ft. under "memory loss" ground, burning these to become the flames and soon ashes of "memories of the past that are now insignificant minus the values I learned from them" and will be praying for your beautiful souls to seep through the shells you've made to cover it.
I'm leaving this be, open and free, something that the public eye can see.
Much love,
Aya
0 comments:
Post a Comment