to: a.m from: a.f.

before i put a free verse below this, i just want to use the excuse that i didn't edit this as tediously as some might think it probably should be; mainly because 1) screw your rules; and 2) it's late and i have a feeling that this might be one of those super honest poems that come out beautifully with the help of stress, tiredness and the this-is-urgent rush. i also want to say that this poem is intended for someone i know. i wrote this for her, because i think she deserves to be happy (just like every single one of us), and it's sad how right now she isn't doing well. i'm hoping that this will wake her up, and that she'll start being who she really, truly is again.

if you're her, she, the, you (you know who you are): well then hey. :-) i hope you don't get lazy reading this, or that you'll disregard this. i hope that this will help you. i'm. reeeealllly. hoping. this. will. help. youu. 

and if you're not ^^^ but are feeling the same way, (like you're an ugly and unfortunate human being) then hey :-) read on, i hope you get something out of this. 

(let's) start with you

with who you think you are

with what you see in the mirror when you face it

with what you think you are labeled as

with why you hurt yourself in any way so you could feel something

because every single existent thing has made you numb

you think you are the underdog

the dark horse that never got the chance to paint itself white

the girl in class that never got enough credit in a project

or the last resort and no one's favorite

the companion to places but never a friend

the girl that a boy will never write about because she's not worth it

the one that's never noticed in a crowd when she's the only one different

the girl that will only be loved when she's dead

come on 

admit it

sometimes you'd like to kill yourself to see how many people would actually give a sh-

but here's the thing

you've gone overboard

you've made over-thinking a practice of rookies

you've made yourself a self-proclaimed insecure teen

you've successfully numbed yourself out while rounding out your edges

you've dipped yourself in society's blood

and now you're too confused to function

and i'd like to tell you why

you think this way

because no one got what you said

no one bothered to read your message 

so they just deleted it

no one had a heart like yours to understand why 

every single pump and beat you put effort into was inconsistent

you think this way 

because no seemed to care

even if they were just next to you 

sitting on a chair

even if they were asking you if you were alright

and you said 'yeah i'm fine'

even if you were lying and telling the truth at the same time

well you know what?

you're not the only one

who became victim of this crime

i have become a practitioner of pretending to be what i 

thought i should be morphing into as well 

i have been used to feeding myself with my own skin and bones and

pretending to feel like they're good for me

i have been stopping myself to becoming confident in all the ways that i could be

and i too have told things to myself that i never thought i'd be telling myself to

i have become crazy as well

i have had my moments of darkness as well

i would get angry at myself 

and collect my hair into my fists and pull as hard as i could

i would tell myself i needed to be checked up 

by a doctor of mental patients 

i would throw away a week's worth of positivity and happiness

for an insult that was carried out in a matter of seconds

i would feel the everything come all at once too

i would feel all the problems that concerned me

and all the problems that had nothing to do with me 

affect me in ways that were actually kind of scary

i would feel like throwing rocks at random things 

and at the same time wanted to fill 100 buckets of tears as if 100 wasn't enough

i felt so vulnerable and worthless at points in my life too

and i'm telling you this 

because i think it's important you know 

that you're never alone in any battle you face

that someone has felt exactly the way you felt

but has achieved something good out of it

and that you should be doing the same

i think your problem here is

that you want to fix yourself but you don't know how to

or that maybe you do know how but no longer want to 

either way

i can only help as much

either way

your family can put so much effort

either way

if everyone else around you will do 97% of what it would take for you to get better

you won't ever get better without your 3% effort

don't worry

i think i know how to make this work

i think i can let you do your 3% contribution so

(let's end) this poem about you

with who you actually are

with who you are actually perceived as

and with how you've been wrong about this for a long while

you are beautiful

you are all the beautiful little things compiled into one

you are all the heartfelt letters the writer gave to his one and only love

you are the face your lover chose to dream about

because even his mind couldn't shake how you looked him in his eyes and yet told 

him nothing but left a mark

you are the muse being talked about in his pretty little songs

you are the girl who will be loved like in that maroon 5 song 

you are the girl who will get kissed in the rain like in fanfics and book plots

you are the girl who finally saw herself as beautiful and 

didn't need a razor or toothbrush to get herself caught into

you are the brand new change

the flame that ignited the candle for hope

the new inspiration for others

you are the changed college student

hoping to make a mark on this world

you are the fangirl who will no longer use music as a distraction

but as a bridge for emotion and boost for creativity

you are the new you

and i can't wait for you to start becoming yourself again

i can't wait for you to feel like you're actually who you want to be

and you're actually who you would love to be.. 

... yourself and you.

- a.f.

-Aya